Things Every Guitar Player Should Know

If you are going to be a guitar player; knowing these are things are a MUST! Maybe??? {Actually don’t do any of this}

1. Play really fast solos- The more notes the better. Please do not concern yourself with good phrasing or timing or expression; only play the notes as fast as you can. The best place to practice these techniques is at the local music store. Ask to try out a guitar and amp, turn it up really loud and then proceed to play really really fast. I bet everyone in the store will stop and say; “Wow, they are really good, I wish I was them.” The store employees will also want to become your friends. They won’t be annoyed with you at all. The true musician only plays fast.

2. Turn up your amp- If you are in a band, you are in control. There is no reason you should be able to hear the bass, drums or any other instrument. You should be much more loud then everyone else. If during practice you can hear what the other musicians are playing and your amp is already at 10… buy a new, more powerful amp. It is also suggested that you turn down other amps when they are not looking. The other people in the band just don’t know as much as you.

3. Learn the intros to popular songs such as crazy train. Stop playing when you reach the hard part with chords

4. Don’t worry about playing in time; that’s the drummer’s department. Go crazy with freedom.

5. You have to make faces. Notice how all the good guitarists make weird faces, like either they are talking to themselves or making funny faces at an imaginary baby? You gotta do that. Stretching of the facial muscles will help your fingers move faster.

6. Hate everyone that plays better or faster than you with passion. Try everything to find mistakes in their playing so you can point them out.

7. Remember that there is no part in the song that would not be improved by your little improvisations. Stick in little riffs everywhere. If there is another instrument taking a solo, be sure to jump right in (on) and add all the amazing value that you know you can.

8. If you happen to come across another person playing on a guitar, interrupt him/her immediately. Make him/her hand over the instrument and sit down so (s)he can listen to you. Make sure not to stop playing until the moment has past and everybody moves on to something else.

9. Make sure not to actually play a song. Just noodle around on it aimlessly, everyone will be impressed!

10. Pay no attention to bass players. After all, they are basically just 2/3rds of a guitar player that nobody listens to anyway.

11. If when your shredding a solo and you mess up, turn around and frown at the bass player. Everyone will know it is their fault then.

12. Swinging your guitar over your shoulder shows how much of a badass you are. Don’t bother learning songs, practice this all day. What could go wrong?

13. Show up wasted to everything. Rehearsals, gigs, family funerals… if you are not wasted, you are not a guitar player.

14. Never bring extra guitar strings to practice. If you break one, practice is over. Same goes for shows. This is what the pros do.

15. Never, and i mean ever, set up equipment. You have a bassist and a drummer for a reason. They should be carrying in and setting up all the gear while you sit at the bar and score some poon. This is the way of the pro guitarist.

16. Always show up late and leave early- You need to make people realize that your time is more important then theirs. They should feel honored just to have you in the room with them. This rule applies to any event that you are suppose to be attending; including but not limited to- Practices, gigs, birthday parties, work, Dr. appointments, funerals, weddings, and yard sales.

17. Always remember, the soundguy/girl has no idea what he/she is doing. It is imperative that you “twist yer own knobs”, and berate them over the microphone. They love this.